Kris Bridges – Journaling the Journey

Kris Bridges was born in Richland, WA April 13, 1967. On June 11, 1988 she married Michael Bridges. They moved to South Carolina in May 1990. They have four children: Mikey, Matt, Mason, and Kaylee. On December 2, 2003, Kris was diagnosed with Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia. This site is dedicated to chronicle her story as she gives glory to God through her struggle. Below you will find notes from Kris as she journals her feelings and how she sees God working. You will also find periodic updates from Mike interspersed as the journey unravels.

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Update: Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Where do I begin? For those who have gone to my website over the past 4 months and found nothing, I suppose I should begin with an apology. The time is slipping past like sand through my fingers. The first of December will mark one year in Poland for our family and 3 years from my diagnosis. Where has the time gone?

The first week of May we traveled to Croatia but did not visit Vienna or return through Budapest like we first thought we might. We traveled by train which included a night in a sleeping car. That, with four children, was an adventure all its own. Croatia was beautiful but nothing there could compare with the beauty of our friends the Massey’s with whom we stayed. What a treat it was to be with them and introduce our children to each other. We were encouraged by the work they are doing for the Lord in Zagreb.

The end of May brought another trip to our family. This time we flew to France. First we spent 4 days with Dewey, our brother-in-law, and his daughter Aurora at their home in Les Meurs. That was such a blessing for us. It was the first time I or the children had been to their home. I regret never being able to visit there when Debbie was alive. Dewey is quite an accomplished painter as well as a chef; the latter of which I didn’t know until this visit. He allowed me to prepare some of his garden beds and plant a variety of vegetables while we were there. I had fun getting my hands dirty. After our visit, we drove to Paris and spent the following day sightseeing. We enjoyed our trip thoroughly.

Two days after our return from France, Meredith, a girl from Lexington, came over to visit for a month. The children finished school the second to last week of June and we enjoyed the break. We traveled again to the Baltic Coast. On the way we stopped at Malbork, a city where one of the largest castles in Europe is located. It was fantastic. From there we went on to Gdansk. We drove up to Gdynia, another port city where we visited an aquarium and toured an old battleship. In addition to our regular stop at the Sopot Aquapark, we also walked around the Oliwa Zoo. This is the largest zoo in Poland and has a wonderful variety of animals. The one animal there we will never forget is the wolf. As we approached its enclosure, the wolf was pacing back and forth. After taking one look at Mason, the wolf became transfixed. When Mason walked, the wolf walked. When Mason stopped, the wolf stopped. We thought it just a coincidence at first. I sat down to rest and watched Mason run from the wolf’s cage down to the next enclosure. Surprisingly, the wolf ran after him, stopped at the edge of his cage and stood completely still, staring down at Mason. I called Mason back and had him walk back and forth in front of the wolf to see what would happen. The wolf never taking his eyes off Mason followed him and matched Mason’s pace. Once again Mason ran away and the wolf repeated his earlier actions. As Mason returned, the wolf once again followed, matching his pace and never taking his eyes off of him. The other children tried to get the wolf’s attention, but to no avail. I’ve never seen anything like it and wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.

July 15 is an important date in Polish history. On that date in 1410, the Polish army defeated the Teutonic Knights in the Battle of Grunwald. Every year there is a re-enactment at Grunwald, which is only about 45 minutes away from Olsztyn. We took the children and watched as men dressed in all kinds of armor, fighting on the battlefield in hand to hand combat as well as on horseback. There was a medieval town set up close to the battle where one could buy swords, costumes and even real helmets. The children had fun spending their money and coming home with a host of treasures.

The greatest event this summer took place on August 31st when Mason made the most important decision of his life. He had been thinking about this for a long time. He decided that he wants Jesus to be the Lord of his life. He was tired of trying to do things on his own. He felt sorry for his sins and wanted to be forgiven. He believes that only through the name of Jesus can this salvation take place. He chose to clothe himself in Christ by becoming a son of God through faith in Jesus. As it says in Galatians 3:26, “You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ Jesus have clothed yourselves with Christ. We are so proud of him. It was an added blessing to have my mom here to witness his new birth. She was able to be here for about six weeks this summer.

With the beginning of September came the beginning of school. Kaylee is once again attending the private school she began in the spring. It is a great school. She has continued her Polish lessons all through the summer so her language skills have grown by leaps and bounds. Her school teacher told me today how well Kaylee is doing and that she is proud of Kaylee’s work and her ability. The boys also began school, but not in the French school they attended last year. Even though they had made much progress in the French language, they requested to be homeschooled this year. Soon, they too will begin Polish language lessons. We all feel more comfortable about this decision and so far, we are all enjoying it. I suppose I will always enjoy it more than the boys though; it is school, after all. Today I helped Matt with his science experiment on earthquakes. He made a building from spaghetti noodles and marshmallows and tested its ability to hold up under an earthquake. He made it so well that no amount of shaking caused any damage. So, with the help of his enthusiastic brothers, he dropped it down the staircase causing damage to only half of the structure. I must say that his design held up quite well.

Mike had a bit of a struggle with his health early this summer. We went to the doctor and it turns out he has asthma that is worsened by allergies. His lung capacity was well below normal when the doctor checked it. He is doing much better since he’s been on some medication. From February until recently, he had been working extremely long hours at Michelin. He stayed so busy he seldom had time to eat breakfast or lunch. There were many nights when he came home just in time to put the boys to bed. We actually started questioning the sanity in our being here if this was the way we were going to live. We spent every day in prayer asking God for guidance, patience, strength, and peace. We gave this to God and chose to lean upon the promises He’s made and to trust in His care that we have seen throughout our lives and in His Word. We gained strength from knowing that during the times that were difficult we knew that God loved us and was completing His will in us, whether we could understand it or not. I praise God that for the last several weeks now Michael has been home in time to eat supper with us.

My health has been good. I am constantly amazed that just two years ago I was in Seattle in a hospital not knowing if I was going to live or die. God has certainly brought us a long way in a short time. Praise God together with us.

Kris

Update: Monday, April 17, 2006

God has been so merciful to us. He continues to bless us and teach us each day. I will start by saying that our days of babysitting two Polish children went extremely well. Our prayers were answered and the children were happy and content to be with us, and as an extra bonus, my Polish improved…temporarily. By the end of the four days, I was speaking and thinking mostly in Polish. Unfortunately, it didn’t take long for that to fade.

Today is Easter Monday (the day after Easter). It is also called wet Monday. The tradition in Poland is to squirt the people you meet with water. Some have taken this a large step further to even dumping buckets of water out of apartment windows on anyone who happens to pass by. I have decided to stay in today. Of course, I was not able to escape unscathed. Matthew came into my bedroom and threw a small cup of water down my back as I was leaning over helping Kaylee with something. But as I was typing this, Mike came in and told me that Matthew just got sprayed by our neighbors. What is that verse? Oh yes, “Vengeance is mine. I will repay, says the Lord.” Just know that I am smiling.

The snow has melted and as if to prove that spring is truly on its way, the crocuses are blooming. Still, the days do not warm up much above 50 degrees Fahrenheit, but we have the sun, grass and now flowers. In addition, I spoke with our landlord and he said I have the liberty to landscape the yard anyway I choose. Those that know me well know that there wasn’t anything he could have said that would have made me happier. I have been looking around to see what types of plants are here, I will begin making plans soon. I probably won’t begin planting until May, as it is still so cold. When the snow melted, a layer of sand and salt was left on our street. The other day as I returned from the store I saw Grzegorz sweeping the street in front of our houses. I hollered out the window that I would send Mike right out to join him. (I also told him that “keeping up with the Jones” here requires a lot more physical activity than back in South Carolina.) Grzegorz is the first one on the block to shovel the snow and now he is the first to sweep up the sand. Mike worked along side him until the road between our houses was spotless. I wondered if they were going to stop there because it made the rest of the street look so dirty. They did stop, however. Over the past couple of weeks a few others on the street have followed their lead, but not all.

Mikey, Mason and Kaylee all had allergy testing last week. Somehow Matt managed not to be plagued with my family allergy problems. They have all begun taking daily allergy medicine and seem to be doing much better. The big test will be in June when one of the grasses they all strongly reacted to comes into bloom. But for now, they are all enjoying being able to breathe again.

I enrolled Kaylee into a private kindergarten in the middle of March. It was the best decision I could have made. It is wonderful. She enjoys school now, loves her teacher, and the children are kind to her. Everyday she comes home with a story of something great that happened that day. One day a nurse came to her school, another day brought a fireman and on another day her class went on a field trip to a castle. What an opportunity for her. Now tell me, how often does a kindergarten class get the chance to visit a castle in the States? In addition, she is taking Polish lessons (I dropped the French) and she understands more and more each day.

Kaylee and I made a quick surprise visit back to the states March 18th – March 25th. I would love to say that it was simply for pleasure, but it wasn’t. Of course, we did have a wonderful time visiting family and friends, but that wasn’t the reason for the trip. The family we allowed to stay in our house seemed continually unable to abide by our agreed upon guidelines and in addition caused thousands of dollars worth of damage to our house in the short time they were there. It is really quite sad. I’m a little sad about the house and I’m very sad for them. We had offered them a chance to start over and get on their feet financially. But most importantly, we offered them a chance to know Jesus. We shared Him with her and her children. There were people at the church in Lexington wanting to study the Bible with them, but they refused. In February, after several attempts to redeem the arrangement, I spoke with her and discussed the situation. In the end we couldn’t see eye to eye and I asked her to move out. This was not easy for me. I had put so much of myself into this arrangement. I had such hopes for this family. On the night I asked her to leave, Mike and I were discussing the situation and I asked him, “How can someone who has received such a gift, one that is worth so much, treat it with such disregard”? No sooner had the words left my mouth than my mind turned to Christ. (Not that there is even the slightest comparison, but stay with me.) Immediately I thought about God the Father, giving us His son who suffered so greatly in order to give us a chance to start over. He did it because he wanted us to get back on our feet again, free from sin. He gave this to us freely. It cost us nothing, but it cost the Father His son. I began crying. I thought of the times I knowingly went against God’s guidelines and chose to sin rather than obey. At that moment, I imagined Jesus looking over and asking his Father concerning me, “How can someone who has received such a free gift treat it with such disregard”? Quite the object lesson, isn’t it? The thing that saddened me the most from this situation was the final statement made by her daughter. The house was empty; all except for a brand new Bible sitting on the kitchen counter. As I picked it up, the sheriff who was there, filled me in on what the girl said. Before leaving, she took the Bible out of the closet, set it on the counter and said to the sheriff, “I hope the next person who gets to live here can use this more that I did.” I broke down into tears. I shared with the sheriff why I let them stay in my house and why her leaving the Bible was so painful for me. I wondered for a moment if she had left the Bible behind out of spite, but I realize that it is deeper than that. This is between her and God. And knowing the love of my Father, He isn’t finished with her yet. After all, He still hasn’t given up on me.

Friday evening we drove to Gdansk, a city on the Baltic Sea. This was our first tourist outing in Poland and we had a wonderful time. I was able to find an apartment one street away from the old city square. What a fantastic location. We were in walking distance from many of the most interesting historic landmarks. I am constantly amazed when I see buildings that date back to medieval times. Poland is rich with history. On Saturday, after a morning of sightseeing, we drove to Sopot, a near by resort city, and visited a water park. The park had fountains, pools, currents, and a wild river. It also had two tube slides that were 2 and a half stories high. At the top there is a great view of the Baltic Sea. The slides traveled outside the building twisting and turning several times before depositing us back inside the building into a pool of water. That, of course, was the highlight of the kids’ trip. At the end of this month, we are planning a trip to Croatia to visit a good friend. We are hoping to visit Vienna on the way down and spend some time in Budapest on the way back home.

“He is not here, for He has risen, just as He said… Go quickly and tell His disciples that He has risen from the dead…” Matt 28:6,7

Kris

Update: Wednesday, March 8, 2006

I think the time flies faster in Poland than in America. Is that possible? It’s hard to believe three months have passed already. Although, when I think of all that has happened and all we have done I wonder how we fit it all in to that amount of time. Time is curious that way, isn’t it?

We have made it through the worst of the winter without much illness. Mason, Kaylee, and I had sinus infections in January, but that was it…so far. There is a general doctor and a pediatrician we go to here who both speak English so communication isn’t a problem. Actually, our pediatrician makes house calls. Wow! Mason and Kaylee seem to be suffering a bit from allergies so we may be having allergy testing done in the near future. I haven’t had the courage yet to tell them. I’m afraid they would run away from home.

School for the children is an interesting and complicated subject. I was home schooling before we arrived here, but chose to put the boys into a small private Michelin school. The catch is that it is in French. The boys begin their day with an hour and a half of French lessons, followed by another hour and a half (in English) of math and English grammar and. The last few hours of school are spent in various other classes conducted in French. Matt’s and Mason’s favorite classes are P.E. and art. Mikey enjoys his physics class (in French), especially when they are performing experiments. The boys eat lunch at school, which is a new experience for them. Soup is always on the menu as well as some form of potatoes. Kaylee also has French lessons first thing in the morning and then goes to a Polish kindergarten. I am considering taking her out of the French classes and changing kindergartens. I will visit a new, highly recommended kindergarten this week and then make a decision. Her current one is convenient as is it located right next to the boys’ school, but simple convenience is not sufficient reason for me to keep her there. There are other issues that must be considered. Please pray about this situation and wisdom for us as we make such decisions for our children.

Mike and I continue our Polish lessons each week. The “gift of tongues” sounds good about now! I speak so slowly when I speak in Polish. Each word’s ending changes depending on the grammar of the sentence and I have to think before I speak (the absurdity of that thought!) For example, if a word is used after one preposition it is said one way. If it is used after another, it is said another way. There are seven grammatical cases in Polish. So, when I learn a new word, I really must learn many different ways of saying that word, and know the proper time to use each one. It’s a good thing I taught my children grammar or I wouldn’t remember when a word is used as a direct object, indirect object or predicate nominative. I always told my teachers I would never need to know that kind of stuff. Who would have known? Kaylee is also taking Polish lessons. Her pronunciations of words are so clear and sound so much more “Polish” than mine. Children are known for having that language advantage. I’m a bit jealous.

I manage to keep busy every day. I have started taking aerobics at a nearby studio. It is a lot of fun and I am learning some new phrases in Polish like “last eight” and “one more time.” I have been going a couple times a week in the evening with a teacher from the Michelin school, but I discovered that they offer a class in the morning so I will try that one out this week. I also began teaching a few conversational English classes in February. I have five students; two girls about eleven years old, two teenagers, and one adult. I teach each person individually and enjoy the classes. Later this week we are swimming out into uncharted waters. Some friends of ours, Sebastian and Wiola, have been planning a trip together for a long time. They have two children; a boy, Karol who is 7 years old and a girl, Kasia, who is 2 ½ years old and red headed just like Kaylee. Sebastian’s parents were going to take care of their children while they were gone, but his mother had to go to the hospital and will be unable to care for them. So, the children will stay with us from Wednesday evening until Sunday afternoon. Karol and Kasia do not speak English so we will make do with our Polish. I plan on asking Sebastian to write down a few important phrases in Polish like eat your vegetables and don’t jump on the bed just in case we need them. Actually, I think it will be a fun adventure and I am thankful that God is giving us the opportunity to serve. I pray the children will feel at ease with us and be happy while they are here.

Saturday I took Matthew and Mason to an Aikido class with Dorota. She heard about the class and took us there so the boys could try it out. This particular company also has Aikido classes in another location in town with children who have been training for many years. They just opened a new location close to our house with classes for children who have never trained in Aikido before. The boys loved it and will now have class on Monday and Thursday evenings with other children their age. The classes will be in Polish, of course, but the instructors all speak English and will be able to help the boys understand what to do.

There is more to tell, but I will save those stories until the next update except to say that we continually feel the Lord’s hands on us leading us where he wants us to go spiritually. I am trying to follow closely behind him but sometimes I think he has to pull me along. The scripture in 2 Corinthians 5:7, 9 reminds me that our walk is one of faith and not of sight and that our goal is to please God and not ourselves.

Kris

Update: Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Every weekday I drive Mike to work and the children to school. Yesterday morning was particularly beautiful. The air was exceptionally cold, and the sky was clear and blue. With the snow frosted trees in the foreground, the skyline looked like the scene out of a tourist book. I am amazed by the beauty I see every day.

Much has happened since I last wrote. I will give some of the highlights up to this point. Several weekends ago our family went with a few “Michelin” families out into the country for a sleigh ride. What a treat. This was my first sleigh ride. I remember listening to my mother’s stories of riding in her grandfather’s sleigh and listening to the bells jingle as they rode. We didn’t have sleigh bells, but we enjoyed it just the same. Two horse drawn sleighs pulled several children’s sleds. Most of the adults sat in the sleighs and the children, and those who were young at heart, sat on the sleds. I chose to sit in the sleigh. Any other time I may have sat on a sled, but due to an unfortunate sledding incident the day before, I needed a bit of extra padding on my backside. After the sleigh ride, we met around an open fire and roasted sausages on sticks, the way we roast hotdogs. The children were also given horse back rides and some of the adults joined in on that fun as well. Inside a small unheated building, we were offered several traditional Polish dishes to sample. What a pleasure it was to be invited to participate in this adventure. When we could no longer feel our toes, we decided to head back into town.

New Year’s Eve brought a surprise blessing into our lives. In the evening, the door bell rang and standing on the porch was a woman holding a plate of traditional Polish cookies. She began speaking to us in Polish. We understood only a few words. After apologizing to her that we only spoke a little Polish, she switch to English. As it turns out, Grzegorz and Dorota, our “across the street” neighbors, lived in New York for four years and speak English perfectly. The next day they invited us over for coffee and dessert. We instantly became friends and have enjoyed spending time together. Their friendship is truly a gift from God. They have two girls with whom Kaylee loves playing. I call them her Polish sisters. Now, what do good friends do? They help each other, right? Well, they wanted to help us learn Polish faster so they suggested speaking to us only in Polish. I wasn't sure I wanted that much help, so I suggested a compromise. I said that when they are at our house they will speak in English, and when we are at their house we will speak in Polish. Sounds great, doesn't it? Unfortunatley I haven't kept up my end of the bargin yet, but I will try to do better.

“That is not all. Oh no, that is not all.” (Quote from The Cat in the Hat) The day after we arrived in Olsztyn, Paulina, a relocation coordinator hired by Michelin met us at our hotel. It was her job to show us around the city, point out important places, and provide us with the necessary addresses and phone number of banks, doctors, stores, etc. As it turns out, she was also the one who found us our house. We were given a great tour that day and had a wonderful lunch together. Since then, we have become friends. She and her husband came over for dinner last week and we had a wonderful time. I feel so blessed by the people God is bringing into our lives. I do not feel alone.

This morning I attended a “coffee” for some of the “Michelin wives”. Joan, the wife of a Canadian employee, arranged a get-together for some of the other international wives. What an interesting group we were. Some of the ladies spoke only English, French, or German. Thankfully, there were a few who spoke a mixture of at least two of these languages so we could all communicate. I may try to plan one at my house in the next few weeks.

Matthew’s eleventh birthday is January 19th. He has invited over a couple of friends from the French school who speak English to help him celebrate. With all this snow, we will probably go sledding then let them play video games…it’s what they all seem to enjoy doing together. Nathan, one of the boys, is from Switzerland, but his family lived in Greenville, South Carolina for 3 years. He has an older sister, Mikey’s age, and a younger sister Kaylee’s age. They are all good friends. Today was supposed to be their “Macaroni and Cheese” fest, but Mason is sick with a stomach virus that seems to being going around the French school. Nathan and his sisters told us that the one thing they missed eating from the U.S was Macaroni and Cheese. My mom sent over several boxes so we thought we would share. We have rescheduled the feeding frenzy for next Wednesday.

Our house is close to a large store that sells a wide range of things. It’s not a Walmart Supercenter, but it will do. We can get most things we need there. Occasionally, Mike and I will walk (or slide) down the hill and through the woods to pick up this or that in the evenings. We enjoy the walk. It is a tradition for one of the children to make the trek with us. A snowball fight usually occurs on the way home, as we try to make it up the hill, slipping and sliding as we go. By the time we get home I am usually completely out of breathe from laughing and trying, unsuccessfully, outrun Mike and his snowballs.

Each day God gives us is precious. “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion: therefore I will wait for him.’ The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” Lamentations 3:22-26

Kris

Update: Monday, December 26, 2005

Our journey continues…in Olsztyn, Poland. We arrived in Poland on December 1, 2005; exactly two years, to the day, from my diagnosis. It seems a fitting date to embark on a new adventure. Over the past two years, we have been following God down a path filled with unmatched blessings and pain. Expecting the unexpected has become a way of life for us. Each member of our family is challenged to accept, with faith, whatever God places in front of us. Our journey of faith, truly trusting God for everything, even my very life, is not an isolated event to get through and then to put behind us. Rather, I believe God has been preparing our hearts and minds to live the rest of our lives actively believing Him, not just believing in Him. In the few short weeks we have been here, our faith and reliance on God has been tested and increased. I can truly see His hand working in our lives and in the lives of others around us. As Mike and I look back over recent events, we see how all of our past experiences, the people we know, and the places we lived are all woven together into a beautiful tapestry; each string tightly connected to the next. As we all know, viewing a tapestry from a distance provides a clear picture, as hind sight is twenty-twenty. The hard part is watching each stitch being placed into the tapestry at close range and understanding that the stitches (or each day’s events) aren’t the whole, but rather just a part of a larger picture. Each experience can seem disconnected from the whole. Through God’s graciousness, He is allowing us to view each day’s events in the scope of a larger picture. We excitedly wait and watch to see what God will weave into our lives next.

It has been so long since my last update and I want to share so much from our hearts and lives. One of our first difficult steps of faith in our decision to move here involves our house in South Carolina. We didn’t quite know what to do with it. Should we rent it or leave it empty. God placed on my heart the vision of allowing someone in need of a home to stay for free in our house. That was a great idea in theory, but where would I find such a person. In faith, I prayed and asked God that since this was His idea, He would need to provide the person, without my searching. A week or so later one of our elders, out of the blue, mentioned he heard of a family that had to move out of their home due to financial reasons. I immediately knew that God had provided the family. Now, even though God provided the idea and the family, His biggest task was still ahead…helping me surrender completely to His will and live out what I believe the scriptures teach. After making my intentions known to others, I was met with pretty much the same comments, “Are you sure? What if they damage something? You need to protect your stuff.” The battle within me raged. Every time I tried to explain those and other arguments to God, His Spirit brought scripture after scripture to mind. Scriptures like, “Treat others they way you would like to be treated,” “Give to him who asks you,” “Do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you,” “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth where moth and rust can destroy and thieves can break in and steal. But store up treasures in Heaven,” “But when you give a reception, invite the poor and you will be blessed since they do not have the means to repay you, for you will be repaid at the resurrection,” “Go, sell all you have and give to the poor,” “Give and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over,” “Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of mine, even the least of them, you did it to me.” This is where the rubber meets the road. Did I really believe God and all His words, or did I simply believe in Him? I chose to believe Him. Well, I should say that I am choosing to believe Him. It is not a “done deal” in my heart or mind. Human reasoning keeps creeping into my mind, challenging my faith and my will. The evil one would like me to fall flat on my face, but I am determined to let Jesus reign in this. A few nights ago I received a call from my father that someone had broken into our workshop. After finding out that a member of the family staying in our house did this, I felt so angry and betrayed. I wanted them out. It was my “right” to kick them out. I actually went as far as to tell them to be out in one week, but I didn’t sleep well that night. I did not feel at peace. Not with the whole situation, but with my decision to evict. I realized that it’s one thing to “trust” God with my house when everything is fine; it was another thing to really trust Him when something went wrong. The possessions I thought I relinquished to God, I was ready to take back. One of the reasons I wanted to lend my house to this family was in the hope they would come to know Jesus. So, I asked myself, “What would Jesus do in this situation?” During this time, God provided me with the opportunity to discuss this situation with a new friend I made in Olsztyn. She, like others, thought I am being taken advantage of. At this point in our conversation I was able to share with her my faith in Jesus. I shared that my actions must be pleasing to God. I told her how Jesus has forgiven me for all the wrong things I have done. It all became clear to me as I spoke. I knew what Jesus would do. I knew because of what He has already done. He stretched out His arms and allowed nails to be driven into His hands for those who would not care about the sacrifice He made. How could I expect this family or anyone God puts in my path, to understand Jesus’ love, forgiveness, mercy, and grace if I, who profess to be a follower of Christ, act nothing like Him? I told my friend about my decision to let them stay and the reasons why and she said, looking a bit stunned, “You have convinced me. You are doing what is right. This is a hard thing.” She’s right. This is a hard thing. I jokingly asked Mike, “Why does everything that God uses to increase our faith take such faith?” May God always receive the glory for all the actions of His children.

Do we have time for a few more stories? I have many more…some good, some bad. But, as always, we are persuaded that God works all things for good for those who love him and are called according to His purpose. As I said earlier, we arrived on Thursday, December 1st. A driver met us at the airport and took us to our hotel. We were all hungry so we went downstairs into the hotel restaurant. The waitress did not speak English so we muddled through in Polish…thanking God for the lessons we were given before our arrival. When the food arrived we realized, “Toto, we aren’t in Kansas anymore.” The older boys ordered hamburgers; harmless enough, right? They came slathered in some chucky sauce, and an herb garnish Mikey refers to as a pine branch. There was ketchup, not in the hamburger, but squeezed on the outside of the bun. Inside the bun, in addition to the meat and sauce, were several slices of fresh cucumbers. I was impressed at how well the children tried to make the best of it. We all left the table a bit hungry that night. Everywhere else we have eaten, though, has been extremely delicious.

We received a phone call from Mike’s family on December 6th letting us know of his sister Debbie’s death. She had been battling cancer for four and a half years. She leaves behind her husband Dewey and her daughter Aurora. She was such an inspiration to me in my fight with cancer as I know she was to hundreds of others. She will be greatly missed. Mike left on Wednesday to be in France with his family. The memorial service was on Saturday and he returned on Sunday. It was strange being here without him. Pressures and stresses continue to flow, but God is faithfully holding us in His hands.

The children love the snow here. They have made snow angels, snowmen, snow forts, and had snowball fights. Yes, they even get to shovel the sidewalk and driveway. Recently the boys were invited over to a French boy’s house where they went sledding on a nearby hill. As for the French contacts; Michelin is a French company, so many of the management in the Polish plant are from France. The boys have been studying French as in January they will begin attending a French school provided by Michelin. They will receive two hours a day of French language study, two hours of “American studies from their home school material,” sports twice a week with the Polish and French students, and then two hours of listening to other classes in French. Kaylee is already attending a Polish pre-school (they don’t begin “school” until the age of 7). She is making friends and learning a little Polish.

I began official Polish lessons on Tuesday of this week. My unofficial Polish lessons have come through events that happen each day. One day as I was driving home I hit a curb with my back tire. I didn’t think anything of it until I left that evening to go to a meeting with the head master of the French school. I got to the bottom of our hill, turned the corner then realized my rear tire was flat. Kaylee and I walked home, in the rain, and tried to get a hold of anyone to help. Mike didn’t have an office number yet and no one else was at their phones. I did get a hold of the head master and she came out to my house for the meeting. Mike called during the meeting and asked if I could help him by bringing his passport up to work. I about cried. He came home in a taxi and had to go straight back to work. When the meeting was over I walked down the hill to the tire store that is not far from where the rental car with the flat was parked. No one at the shop spoke English so hence the Polish lesson. I was able to get one of the employees to walk with me and change my tire. They did not have a matching tire so they ordered one for me. I was pleased that I was able to get that much done by myself. While Mike was in France, I went car shopping with an employee of Michelin who speaks English. The next week I had to look at a few other places and I was able to find them myself and communicate well enough in Polish with the dealers. These are just small accomplishments, but they help make me feel better. I truly feel like a child here. I don’t understand most of the signs, I don’t understand the way things work and I don’t understand most of what is said. It is a humbling way to live.

After dropping Kaylee off at school last week, half of my key set dropped off into the snow. I didn’t realize it until I got home. I turned around, praying all the way back. I was able to find my keys, mostly buried in the snow! I praised God all the way home. I knew it was a little thing, but I felt so cared for. Well, that evening the kids wanted to go to Pizza Hut for dinner. After eating we returned home. It was then I realized I left my purse in the restaurant. Again, praying all the way we returned to the restaurant. Going through my mind was the song Kaylee and I had been listening to “When I am afraid I will trust in You, in God whose word I praise.” I knew that God helped me with my keys and I knew He could help me with my purse…with many important documents in it. If not, I knew it would be ok. Well, I walked up to the counter and the girl who had taken our order smiled and said, “Yes, yes, yes.” Another worker looked over at me and brought out my purse, everything safe and sound. What a great opportunity to share with the children about God’s provision in our lives. I shared with them my fears and the scriptures I used to quiet those fears.

Mike is working in a plant where people speak Polish or French. There are a few who speak English, but it is not the norm. I can’t imagine what that would be like. His boss only speaks French. How is that for a challenge? I am always amazed by his abilities and his calmness in stressful situations. He relies completely on God for his strength.

God gave us a great gift. Michelin put us up in a hotel when we first arrived. The plan was to stay for a few days and then move to another furnished temporary location until our shipment arrived. We were bracing ourselves to live out of suitcases for several weeks without a place to wash our clothes. But, they told us they couldn’t find a place to fit us so they made arrangements for our house to be temporarily furnished and allowed us to move in just three days after arriving. What a blessing. The thought of unpacking into a temporary place just to pack up again only to unpack once more was making me feel faint.

Another blessing was the speed in which our shipment arrived. We were warned that it might take six weeks for our things to come. What a surprise it was when we received our shipment after only two weeks; on Mike’s birthday no less. With the shipment came much work. The movers worked from 5:30 p.m. until 10:00 p.m. removing the old furniture and bringing in our furniture and boxes. We unpacked what we could in between checking box numbers with the packing list. By the end of the night I hurt all over. I fell into bed exhausted. Mike was up early the next morning unpacking. I reluctantly joined him, after a cup of coffee. We worked for four hour unpacking before the movers returned. We spent the next four hours putting away the things the movers unpacked. By four o’clock, the kitchen was pilled high with dishes, pots and pans, glasses, vases, and other miscellaneous items. While Mike was working in the rest of the house, I had the job of removing all temporary dishes originally in the house, packing them up and then finding places for all of our things. I was overwhelmed, tired, and my back and legs were aching. I sat there trying to summons up the energy to start when one of the movers, who knew I was recovering from a transplant because he saw a picture of me bald and asked about it, told me that he called his mother and asked her to come over to help me. I couldn’t believe me ears. She arrived and helped me for about three hours, finishing up by mopping the floors the movers dirtied with their muddy boots. She didn’t speak English so, another Polish lesson for me. I enjoyed our time together. She even said that she would come over some time and teach me to cook some Polish dishes. Her son also gave me the phone number of his massage therapist. It is amazing to see how God is providing us with contacts we never would have made on our own.

We purchased a car the week before Christmas. It is a six seat Fiat. I’ve never seen anything like it before. It is in between a mini van and a car. It is sufficient family and we are thankful to have it.
Please pray that we will be faithful in joining God in His purposes and His work here in Poland. Thank you for your notes, thoughts and prayers. May God bless you as you serve Him in the coming year.

Kris

Update: Friday, October 7, 2005

It is with praise and thanksgiving that I make this update. September 24th marked the one year anniversary of returning home from Seattle. It is amazing the difference in how I feel in just one year. I am feeling so well that Mike has accepted a new position within Michelin. It has been a dream of ours, since returning from Serbia seventeen years ago, to return to Eastern Europe and be able to share Jesus. After returning from Seattle healthy, we felt like a new chapter in our life was to begin. Michael and I prayed for direction, guidance and faith to do what we were called to do, when we were called to do it. God has given us that direction and at the same time, given us the desires of our heart. In December, our family will be moving to Olsztyn, Poland for three years. I praise God for giving us the opportunity to serve Him there. There is much to do in preparation, but we are making progress and we are all excited, even the children. Please join us in praying that God will prepare our hearts and the hearts of those in Poland He will put in our lives.

Kris

Update: Tuesday, July 12, 2005

There are times I causally look back on my transplant experience and think, “That wasn’t too bad.” Now, don’t go thinking I’m crazy. I know that if you ask anyone who was there with me they will tell you a completely different story, one bearing a much clearer picture of the truth. And yes, if I read back through my journal, I remember the times I suffered so greatly and I can’t get through the memories without crying. (To be honest, it is hard for me to look back; I prefer to forget most of it) but let me continue. Now that I am feeling well, I don’t think about the pain I experienced. It is similar to the selective forgetfulness in giving birth. The birthing process is painful, but once it’s over, the pain fades and we forget how bad it was; and do it all over again. Well, the other day I was reminded of the trauma I endured in a strange way. I went to the dentist to have a cracked tooth filled. His assistant numbed up my gums before he gave me the shot of Novocain. It worked, but not completely. As the doctor gave me the first shot, I felt the pain and the sting from the medicine and had a flashback. Many transplant patients suffer from “Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome,” but I did not understand what that was until that day. I was instantly transported back in my mind to my hospital bed in Seattle and it was too much for me. I began trembling inside, my body started shaking and I began crying. I’m not sure when I had last felt so much anxiety. I didn’t have to tell my doctor something was wrong, it was rather obvious. Thankfully they were understanding and patiently gave me the time I needed to calm down. What an experience that was. It is just another reminder of how much God has brought me through. I know that it is only through his grace that I am here.

Oh, how blessed I am. Not that I am well, that is not what I mean. I would now count myself blessed if I still had leukemia. I pray that no matter what my circumstances, I will always understand that I am truly blessed. I have been struggling with some thoughts recently, but feel God has helped me in my understanding. My struggle was this: I began thinking, “God blessed me by healing my physical body.” The problem with that line of thinking… right now, several people whom I love are suffering terribly with cancer. And one friend, whom I know only through emails, is losing her fight against cancer as I write this. I began feeling guilty for surviving and I wondered how my testimony about God’s greatness would fall on the ears of those still suffering to the point of death. These questions came to me. Are they any less blessed? Were there any less prayers uttered for them? Does God think their lives are any less valuable? The answers to these questions are no, no, NO! God made the error in my thinking clear. One thing that helped me through this was a sermon a few weeks ago. The text was Mark 2: 1-12. (I would love for you to read it.) This is when Jesus heals the paralytic man who was brought to Him by four men and lowered down through the roof of a house where Jesus was teaching. It says in verse 5, “When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, ‘Son, your sins are forgiven.’” Then in verse 9 he says, “Which is easier to say to the paralytic, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up, take your mat and walk’? But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins…’ He said to the paralytic, ‘I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.’ He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, ‘We have never seen anything like this.” The point made was this: What is the “harder” or greatest thing done by Jesus here? Was it the healing of the body? No. That is the simple healing. That is also the temporal healing. No one is getting out of here alive, unless of course, Jesus comes again during our lifetime. (Let it be so!) The more difficult and lasting healing that took place in this story (and in our lives) is the spiritual healing, the forgiveness of our sins. When I say difficult I don’t mean it is difficult for us to receive it. In fact, Jesus has made it easily available to anyone who believes. I mean it was not easy or cheap for God. It cost Jesus his life. When all is said and done, if I had to choose physical healing or spiritual healing, I would choose the spiritual. That is how I am blessed. That is how those I love who are suffering with cancer are blessed. That is how all believers are equally blessed. We were and are continually blessed by God because of the forgiveness of sins. THIS is the testimony I am called to give about God’s greatness. Not that my leukemia is gone, but rather that my sins are gone. We should be amazed, not when someone is physically healed, but when God heals us spiritually by removing the sin that cripples us. That miracle is available to all men, praise His name.

May you glory in God’s greatness,
Kris

Update: Sunday, June 19, 2005

I am home and…drum roll please…I am well! What a fantastic meeting we had with the doctors on Thursday. 100% of my myeloid cells are Mason’s, not mine. That is good news. It was my myeloid cells that had the leukemia, so I want his healthy cells, not mine. At this moment there is no trace of leukemia or any graph verses host disease in my body. My immune system is diminished, but working. Most of my restrictions have been lifted and I enjoyed hugging everyone I could get my hands on at church. This Friday marks one year from my transplant. I am praising God for his mercy and healing.

While in Seattle last year, I lived downtown. My caregivers and I would walk around the neighborhood for exercise whenever physically possible. Located two blocks down from our apartment was a vacant corner lot under construction. A temporary chain link fence kept passersby out of the area, for it was a dangerous place to be. Heavy equipment sat among the rubble of some ancient building, promising the possibility of change. Posted on the fence was a drawing of the park planned for this location. It was a beautiful plan, but after looking at the condition of the site, it seemed the completion of these plans would be challenging. So much work had to be done. Enormous broken pieces of concrete had to be cleared. Rocks and garbage had to be hauled away. Good soil was definitely needed, by the truckload. It was a mess, but someone had a plan, a purpose, and a vision as to what this empty lot could be.

Just last week Mike and I again walked those same Seattle streets and came upon that corner lot. As we approached, the sound of children’s laughter filled the air. There, standing in place of the bulldozer, was playground equipment crawling with children. The plans were completed. The lot is now fulfilling the purpose of its design. The park would never have been completed if the work had not been done. I feel a strange connection with that corner, both physically and spiritually. Last year both of us were in the pains of construction and change; the corner, by way of bulldozers and cranes and me, by way of a bone marrow transplant and God. Now here we are one year later, and after much construction the park is complete. My leukemia is in remission. But, unlike the park and the cancer, God’s work on my heart is ongoing. I praise God for what he has accomplished in my life this past year. I praise Him that He can use any means necessary to draw me close to Him and show me His power and might.

This lesson doesn’t have to be for me alone. There are areas in all of our lives that need to be cleaned up and rebuilt, just like that corner. God, seeing our mess, develops a plan, a purpose and a vision for what our lives can be. “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10. We are in the hands of God. Sometimes the work is painful, but always it is for our ultimate good. I am reminded of the scripture in Jeremiah 18. “So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the Lord came to me; ‘Can I not do with you as this potter does?’ declares the Lord. ‘Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand.’”

I am thankful to be in the Lord’s hands. I want to encourage each of you to look at your circumstances as opportunities to grow and be shaped by God. Sometimes the construction process takes longer than we like, and hurts more than we care to bear. But, God has “posted” Christ on our hearts and is ever working to mold us into His image.

Kris

Update: Thursday, June 16, 2005

I am sitting in the waiting room again, waiting. This will be my last appointment here at the clinic; for this year anyway. By the time I walk out of here I should have a pretty good idea of where things stand as far as the leukemia goes. I fully expect them to be amazed at how well I am doing. That is my prayer anyway.

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I think I can say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I know what it feels like to be a pin cushion. I counted up all the times I've been stuck with a needle over the last three days and counted thirteen. The last five were yesterday, one right after the other. I had to receive my "baby shots" since I'm just about a year old now. The nurse started with one on my "back side", then one in each thigh muscle. Each one hurt something fierce. Next was a painless shot in the back of my right arm, followed by the "mother" of all shots in my left shoulder. Well, that one put me over the edge. My head started spinning and I thought I was going to loose my lunch all over their clean floor. The nurse laid me down, put a cold wash cloth on my forehead, and gave me the pink "barf bucket" that I had become so close to last year. I asked her if this was normal and she said, "No, I've been doing this for over seven years and everybody handles it just fine." "Well," I said, "with me, abnormal is normal." I am still feeling the effects of the shots today. I limp when I walk due to the pain in my thighs and it is difficult to lay on my left side to sleep (my favorite side). It's kind of funny actually. With my hip still hurting from the bone marrow aspiration, the pain in my thighs and my arm, there is not much about moving that is very comfortable. I know I must be amusing to watch...never a dull moment.

We have had a great time visiting with my family here and last night we were able to visit with an old friend from "back home". This has made being here much more enjoyable. Mike and I are both ready to be home with our kids, though. We leave tomorrow morning and will be home by their bedtime.

Thank you for your prayers. I will try to update after this appointment if I get the chance or I will when I return home.

Kris

Update: Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Hello from Seattle. I just finished my pulmonary function test and have a couple of hours until I begin my next round of tests. We arrived here on Saturday to beautiful weather. Rain was forcasted for this entire week, but so far our days have been sunny, but cool. Quite a nice change from the hot, humid weather of South Carolina. Sunday we spent all day with my family. After morning services, we all went to Rod and Trina's house for lunch. Rod is one of my cousins. As always, Trina outdid herself. Everything was delicious and she remembered my favorite dishes and prepared them for me. I have been lovingly spoiled. It was great being able to relax and visit the whole day.

I have to share a story with you about Kenny, Rod and Trina's five year old son. He has such a sweet spirit. As we were waiting for lunch to be ready, Kenny came up to me and told me how he prays for me everyday. Then he went on to say, "I know I am young and just a little boy, but if you were going to die right now and I would give you my life so you can live. I want you to have your life." The tenderness of his heart touched me so deeply. What an angel.

Yesterday was my first day to return to the clinic. As soon as it came into view, I started having butterflies in my stomach. It feels strange being here...healthy. As I sat in the blood draw waiting room I saw a woman there, bald and looking tired. It brought back so many memories. It again caused me to remember the distance God has brought me during this past year. When I was in her shoes, I didn't feel like I would ever make it to the other side, yet here I sit, one year past transplant, praising God for his power, mercy and love. Being here also reminds me of the love poured out onto me and my family during the past year and a half. I am reminded of the sacrifices so many people made to help us. Thank you all for allowing God to use you to be a blessing to us.

I had my bone marrow aspiration yesterday. I was sedated, but Mike said it went well. I was able to walk around the Seattle Center (the Space Needle area) in the afternoon without much discomfort at all. My head felt pretty foggy the rest of day, though. I have a bit of a sore throat this morning. I will talk to the doctors about it, but I am sure that it is the change is weather. Going from hot to cold does have its effects. I will update again when I get the results from these tests.

Thank you all for your prayers.

Kris

Update: Tuesday, June 7, 2005

This is my second attempt in writing this update. I had almost completed an update when an error popped up on my computer and I lost what I had written. I sat for a moment and almost decided not to rewrite it. But, here I go again. If you are reading this…it worked.

God has worked in my body in wonderful ways since my last update. About three weeks ago I turned a corner and have not looked back. I feel great…fantastic…like me. I have missed “me” while I have been so ill. My energy level is back, most of it anyway, and I am enjoying doing things again. I actually did a face lift on the children’s bathroom and it looks great. Mason liked it so much he told me, “I think I will use your bathroom from now on so I don’t mess this one up.”

Mike and I are flying out to Seattle on Saturday. It is time for my one year follow up appointment at the transplant center. One year. It is hard to believe. (My official new birthday is June 24th and Mike is planning a big “birthday” party for me.) While we are in Seattle, Mikey and Matthew will be at Palmetto Bible Camp and Mason and Kaylee will be here with my mom. I would appreciate your prayers for us and the children while we are separated. I think the idea of us being away from them and being back in Seattle is a little hard for the children. It has been a long year and because the children have done so well I forget the toll that it took on them emotionally. God has brought them through, but not without some pretty deep scars.

I have an important prayer request for all the prayer warriors out there. My sister-in-law, Debbie, who has been battling cancer for over four years, is having serious complications with her health right now. Please be praying that God will touch her body and heal her today and that her husband and daughter will be filled with the peace only Jesus can give.

I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High. The Lord reigns forever; he has established his throne for judgment. He will judge the world in righteousness; he will govern the peoples with justice. The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:1-2, 8-10

Kris

Update: Wednesday, April 27, 2005

It is way past time for an update; so what else is new? I have been back to church this month and it is wonderful! The first time we were on our way in, I actually had butterflies in my stomach. I was just that excited. I am still not able to hug or shake hands, but it is great singing with everyone and talking with “family” again. One thing that is a bit different since I’ve been back is I can not partake of the weekly communion from the same trays everyone uses. I have to bring in my own. Touching the trays everyone else touches would be like me shaking hands with everyone…too many germs.

I have finished all my Prednisone and have completed my immune suppression drug, Cyclosporine, this month as well. I am having a few symptoms that are consistent with GVHD, but it is not bad enough at this point to do anything about it. I am actually looking forward to my “One Year” visit in Seattle in June. Before returning home from there, I should have a really good handle on the status of my disease, my GVHD, and just my general recovery prognosis. I should also have an updated list of dos and don’ts.

Mike is leaving on Friday, along with his mom and two of his sisters, for California. They will be spending the weekend there with Debbie, one of his sisters who has been battling cancer for many years now. She is in a lot of pain at this time and they felt they needed to be with her. I am so glad he is able to go, though he will be greatly missed here. Please add Debbie to your prayers, we really want and need God to intervene in her life right now.

I am still lacking energy and needing a nap almost every day. The difficult part to this is just coming to terms that this is just the way it is. I guess, deep down, I still feel like I should have the energy I had before the leukemia and adjusting to “not being able to do everything” is frustrating. The verse “Be still and now that I am God” comes to mind. I struggled with “being still” before and now that I don’t have a choice, I still struggle with it. If I wasn’t so thick headed, I think God would have an easier time working through me.

Thank you for your continued thoughts, prayers and emails.

Kris

Update: Friday, April 1, 2005

I want to apologize to those who have gone to my website so faithfully and have been disappointed that I have not updated in so long. I am sorry about my lack of communication.

On the whole, I am doing quite well. I just finished a round of antibiotics for my sinus infection and feel much better. I am in my final week of Prednisone. My last dose will be on April 8th. I will also be finishing up the last of my immune suppression drugs as well. If all goes as hoped, this will be the last bit of trouble from my Graph verses Host Disease. If not, I will probably feel it in my stomach by the end of April or May. I am not dwelling on that possibility, but I’m not sticking my head in the sand about it either. I know that God will help me through, whatever happens.

I thought I wasn’t going to have a vegetable garden this year because I’m not able to “play” in the dirt, but Matthew, my middle son, decided he wanted to plant and take care of one. So, with my guidance, Matthew helped prepare the soil and he planted seeds and a few plants. In a couple of months, we will be enjoying quite a variety of yummy vegetables. What a treat for me!

I have some happy news. I am going to be able to go back to church soon. I am planning on attending on Sunday, April 10th. I can hardly believe the time has finally arrived. It has been such a long wait and being apart from my church family has been so difficult for me. So, praise God with me for this wonderful blessing. (For those in Lexington: I know it will be hard, but please remember that I still cannot shake hands or give out hugs. Also, if you think you are sick or have been exposed to someone who is, please do not come to close to me. Thank you for helping me stay safe.)

There is a song that I have grown to love over the past year. God has taught me that He is worthy to be praised regardless of the circumstances in my life and the following song describes how I feel.

“Blessed Be Your Name”
Blessed be your name in a land that is plentiful where your streams of abundance flow, blessed be your name. Blessed be your name when I’m found in the desert place though I walk through the wilderness, blessed be your name. Blessed be your name when the sun’s shining down on me when the world’s “all as it should be,” blessed be your name. Blessed be your name on a road marked with suffering though there’s pain in the offering, blessed be your name. Every blessing you pour out I turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say, blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your name. Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your glorious name. You give and take away, you give and take away. My heart will choose to say, “Lord, blessed be your name."

Bless His name with me today.
Kris

Update: Wednesday, March 9, 2005

I have sat down several time to write but never seemed able to finish a thought. My level of concentration is not at its highest point right now. I am feeling well, though. Eating is not a problem now, which may become a problem if I don’t slow down. My energy level is good right now so I am able to teach without become too tired; that is truly a blessing. I received an email from my mom this morning that contained the following story. I thought it was worth sharing here. Enjoy!

Years ago a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals.

Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farmhand?" the farmer asked him. "Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man. Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired
him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work.

Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!" The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows."

Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarps. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down. Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.

MORAL: When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life? The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm.

We, as believers in Christ, secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God. We don't need to understand, we just need to hold His hand to have peace in the midst of the storms.

I hope you sleep well!

Kris

Update: Tuesday, February 22, 2005

It has been about two weeks since I’ve updated my journal, but not too much has been happening. I began taking Prednisone for my acute Graph Versus Host Disease on February 4th. My stomach began feeling better within a few days, through my eating did not pick up for about a week. I have not responded to the drug like I did in Seattle, wanting to eat everything in sight. I am eating the best I can, but it’s not enough to put back on any of my lost weight. In fact, I have been feeling sick (stomach and sinuses) the past three days and have dropped a little lower. My energy level is very low right now but I am still able to get school done with the kids. Yesterday, I was able to make it through because my mom came over to help and I had the kids bring their work to me in bed. On the positive side, I had been feeling better for two weeks. So, I am hoping this is just a “bug” that will pass and I will get back to feeling good again.

Jesus said, “I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him. Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. I tell you, whoever acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before the angels of God.” Luke 12:4-8

Kris

Update: Wednesday, February 9, 2005

As I was preparing to write this update I looked back over the past several months of my journal to see what I shared, not wanting to give duplicate information. I realized there was hardly a fear of that since I didn’t write much. The months since I have been home have been difficult. I have been fighting fatigue and nausea while trying to school the children and care for their needs. Michael has been the glue that has held this family together. From the time we returned from Seattle he started right in with the cleaning, cooking, laundry, and taking care of the kids when he gets home from work. God has given him an extra dose of energy and patience. I have been slowly able to help with these things, too.

Emotionally it has been a difficult several months as I was suffering so badly but the doctors here didn’t know what to do for me. The local pathologists didn’t recognize my GVHD (lack of experience I guess) so doctors were at a loss as how to help me. I waited for two months for my Gastro doc to send the pathology slides to Seattle for their review. I’m not sure what the hold up was, but I am thankful that it was finally done. During that time it was “suggested” to me by my Gastro doc that this all may just be in my head. I don’t know if anyone out there has experienced this before or not; but it is one of the most frustrating things. When all else fails, if an answer can’t be found right away; it’s all in the patient’s head. Thankfully, Seattle received the slides and their pathologist was immediately able to identify the GVHD in my stomach and intestines. Finally, a diagnosis was given; acute GVHD. This is the good news I mentioned last time. The treatment protocol for acute GVHD is about one month of Prednisone verses 1-2 years of anti-immune drugs if it was chronic. I still am praying that this is the correct diagnosis and treatment. I guess once I come off this medicine and if the symptoms return we will know it is a little more serious.

One of the known side effects with this medication is irritability. I don’t remember having this when I took it in Seattle, but I feel like I’ve been invaded by a “mean alien.” I have put myself in “time out” once today and brought my Bible study along with me. This is a yucky feeling…just like I want to snap at everyone. I have explained to my children that this is a reaction to the meds but that it doesn’t give mommy the right to snap. I have asked for their forgiveness several times today already. If this doesn’t lighten up my kids may get an early Spring Break from school.

Through all of the ups and downs of the past several months there has been one important constant; God’s faithfulness to me. I honestly don’t know how I would have made it through these times without Him. He is faithful to His promises and He is faithful to His servants (He is even faithful to this poor grumpy soul who wants so much to be cheerful.) The poem “Footprints” just came into my mind. I haven’t thought about that sweet story for a long time. You know the one I’m referring to. A man is looking back on his life and sees the footprints he and Jesus make as they travel through life together. At the hard times, the man notices that there is only one set of footprints and he ask Jesus why He would have left him at those times. Jesus gently reminds the man that He had not left him, He was carrying him. I know that for me, as I look back over my life, but especially over this past year, I remember the struggles and pain I’ve gone through and I see how Jesus carried me through each one. Though it is emotionally painful to think about some of my struggles, it is so helpful to me in the building up of my faith. We all have struggles and painful experiences in our lives. We have all gone through times when it was only because of Jesus carrying us that we made it through certain events. This may be an uncomfortable exercise, but I invite you to take some time and think about these things and thank God that He was there. As the song says, “Count your blessings; see what God has done.” Praise Him…He is worthy of our praise!

Kris

Update: Saturday, February 5, 2005

I do have an update and it is good news; but I’m not going to fill you in at this very moment. I will get to that tomorrow. Just know that I have started taking Prednisone and feel better already. Right now I want to tell a funny story about Kaylee and our Bible reading that I keep forgetting to write.

After we returned from Seattle we started a new tradition. Before anyone gets up from the table, we read a chapter of the Bible together every night after dinner. Darrell and Lucrecia did this with the children and we decided to continue it. We are working our way through the New Testament and last month we were in Romans. I remember thinking as we began this book, “I think this is a little over their heads.” I was, of course thinking of the older kids, “knowing” Kaylee wouldn’t catch a thing. So, after dinner one night, Mike read Romans chapter 7. This is the chapter that contains Paul’s famous words, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.” For some reason, I don’t remember why at the moment, we didn’t have the time to discuss the chapter like we normally do to explain any difficult concepts. We all just left the table after the reading. Later in the evening I asked Kaylee to get ready for bed and to clean up the toys and costumes in her room. When I went into her room to put her to bed a short while later, there were her toys on the floor mixed up with all of her costumes. She had books on her bed and she had taken pictures off her walls. I scolded her and asked her, “Why didn’t you obey Mommy?” She hung her head and said in reply, “I don’t know, Mommy. I do the things I don’t want to do and I don’t do the things I want to do!” I could not believe my ears. I had to leave her room and laugh. Now remember, Kaylee is only four and a half. I wonder, do you think maybe the Bible is actually easy to understand if you have a pure heart and it is us adults who make it difficult when we try to make the Bible say what we want it to say? Curious isn’t it?

Kris

Update: Thursday, January 27, 2005

I just got off the phone with Seattle. They finally received the slides from my December biopsies and had a chance to review them. Those reading the results locally were incorrect; I do in fact have chronic GVHD. This information hasn’t sunk in entirely yet. The recommendation is for me to go back up to a full dose of Cyclosporine, my immune suppression drug (I have almost completely tapered off) for at least another year. I was told that the average time to treat chronic GVHD is 3 to 5 years. I can’t accept that right now. It is difficult enough to think of another year. The presence of Graph Verses Host Disease means my immune system is not and will not function properly until the GVHD is cleared up. I am to immediately start taking my antibiotics once a day, every day, instead of just on Monday and Tuesday to prevent infections. This news and their recommendations are a bit overwhelming. It means I have to continue following the same rules about being safe like I have been doing since transplant. (I need to learn to love the smell of bleach!) It means I won’t be going to our “Ladies Retreat” in March, and it also means no more gardening (one of my loves) until I’m off Cyclosporine. I am going to have to train my children to take care of my gardens or they will look terrible by the time this is over. I did get permission to go to church even though it is on the “no-no list” once the flu season is over, as long as people don’t touch me. I told them I couldn’t go another year, or more, without being able to be at church. This diagnosis hits hard because I was psyching myself up to make it under these stringent guidelines for just two more months and now I don’t know when it end. Please pray that I don’t let the devil get a foothold into my heart and cause discouragement to grow. Thank you for all the encouragement you send my way. God has truly blessed me through you all.

Kris

Update: Wednesday, January 26, 2005

I have felt pretty good the past three days which makes me suspicious; something must be up. I felt good enough to start school on Monday with a “Silly String” fight. I like to get things off on the right foot, you know. I was worn out by the end of the day, but I didn’t feel too sick. Tuesday I started out queasy, but after 9:00 a.m. I was fine. Today was the best day yet. I had a BLT for lunch and ate the whole thing. I don’t even remember the last time I was able to eat that much. In the past months the most number of good days I have had in a row has been two, followed by a week or more of bad days. I am very anxious to see if this good feeling will continue.

I have a specific prayer request. Seattle has been involved in my care, working with my local doctors, trying to find out the reason I have been so sick. Today they called and suggested that I fly to Seattle and be seen by them February 22-25th (they had a cancellation so there is an opening to be seen). Of course this comes on a week that I’m feeling better. I don’t know what I should do. I want to throw out Gideon’s fleece and get a specific answer. If I am actually turning the corner and will continue to get better I don’t want to spend the money, time, effort, etc. to fly out there. On the other hand, I know if I start feeling bad again I will always wonder if they could have done something to help. We are praying, and you can join us, that the answer will be crystal clear by Monday when I have to give Seattle an answer.

Glory in His holy name; Let the heart of those who seek the Lord be glad. Seek the Lord and His strength; Seek His face continually. Remember His wonders which He has done, His marvels and the judgments uttered by His mouth. Psalm 105:3-5

Kris

Update: Monday, January 24, 2005

I’m not sure if anyone will read this. I figure most have given up on looking for new updates. This “recovery” period is taking its toll on me physically. I am not able to eat much so I have lost a lot of weight. The poor nutrition is probably playing a role in my fatigue at the present time. There have been more tests to uncover what the problem is, but no answers.

I will share part of an email I received from our friend in Texas because I believe this is true for all of us and we can all receive some encouragement from it.

“I just wanted you to know that you are loved by your Father. He cares for you so much. He is pained by your hurt. He weeps with you as you cry. He watches you as you toss in your restless sleep. He cradles you near to his heart and sings to you a lullaby of life and of peace and of joy to come. He knows you so well that he anticipates your needs. He looks far into your future and sees what challenges lie there and does His best to prepare you for them. He gives to you good gifts. He loves you in ways that only a Heavenly Father can. He loves you in a way only a Creator can. He loves you in ways that you can only glimpse now. One day, though, one day you will know the depth of that matchless love. One day, dear friend, you will know why He loves you so. One day you will understand how precious you are to your Abba. Until that day be child-like. Just accept His ever present love. Just as your children do not question your love for them, trust that your Heavenly Father loves you always; because you are His. How could He not love you? He chose you, beloved.”

May God bless you this week.

Kris

Update: Thursday, January 6, 2005

Happy New Year! This has not been an easy time for me. With the hospital stay, my constant upset stomach and fatigue, I haven’t felt like celebrating. My son Matthew came up to me the other day and said, “Mom, it’s been a year and you’re still alive.” So, I guess there is something to celebrate.

One of the things that have been hard for me during my recovery (seclusion) has been redefining who I am. If you know me at all, I’m a doer. I have always been known for what I do. I was always busy at something. I used to say that if I wasn’t running around doing ten projects at once I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. If I am to be painfully honest, I derived much of my self worth (the good feelings about who I am) from what I could accomplish. So, I have had some pretty down moments during the past several months because of how much I can’t do. I have at times felt useless, helpless, and hopeless. Of course I know, in my head, that God does not measure me by how much I do, but my heart and my head don’t always agree. Why is it so easy to know something but not apply it? I was reading a devotional book the other day and two scriptures jumped out at me. The first was, “Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations! I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10 The second was, “Lean on, trust in and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6 I have been encouraged by these scriptures. I see that if I use the time that I am “still” to focus on God and who He is, I won’t worry about who I am and what I’m doing or not doing. My goal then, is to look to God and allow him to direct and make my paths straight. I think it would be better to be known for “Whose” I am rather than for what I do. Old habits die hard, but I know that by the grace of God I can become what He wants me to be.

I will close for now with the scripture I used in my journal on December 31, 2003. “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13-14

Kris

Update: Friday, December 24, 2004

Just a brief update to catch up on the latest. On Tuesday, Kris went to the oncologist and had her normal visit. She was experiencing a little cough and very minor sniffling and congestion. After a good deal of consideration, they decided to put Kris on an antibiotic as a precautionary measure to beef up her defenses. They also left instructions to call back if she didn't improve. On Wednesday, Kris just generally felt bad and spent the bulk of the day in bed. That night (Thursday morning early) Kris had dry heaves and a whole lot of general nausea. So, we called the doctor and went in to do a follow up and to possibly get some fluids to prevent dehydration. During the visit, Kris had several boughts of chills and shakes. This gave the doctors further concern and they decided to admit her to the hospital for IV treatments, anti-fungal, anti-virus, anti-biotics, and fluids. They also wanted to see improvement in the nausea (get her to eat) and reduced stomach pain and to run a battery of blood tests and other cultures. In short, all the tests came back looking normal and she did improve in her general feeling. She is not all better, but the general consensus is that she caught a mild virus and it is just running its course. They discharged us today and we are now back at home praising God for His goodness. We look forward to the holiday all together. Please continue to keep Kris before God that she will return to some calmer health and that she will turn the corner in her general well being. We have been in direct contact with Seattle during this time and they are reviewing all the results to date and will weigh in with their recommendations in the near future. Pray for wisdom for the doctors and for us. Let us thank God for the time that we have and continue to praise Him in all things. Thank you all for your continuous support.

Mike

Update: Thursday, December 16, 2004

I am so thankful to God for the good news I received from my final tests. The doctors did not find Graft verses Host Disease (GVHD). This is fantastic news. The symptoms I was/am having are most likely caused by the medication I’m taking rather than GVHD. That means as I wean off the medication over the next few months I should start to feel better. I am so excited about this. This means there is actually an end to my being a hermit!!! Once I’m off my immune suppression drugs, I can start venturing out again into large gatherings. I should be back at church (still no hugging or hand shaking allowed) by the end of March or first of April. This is the best Christmas present I can think of. Thank you for all of your prayers during my time of testing. God has answered in such a positive way. I will write more later when I have time…I have to get ready for tonight; it’s Mike’s birthday. God bless each of you.

Kris

Update: Friday, December 3, 2004

I haven’t finished all the testing yet. I was scheduled for a pulmonary function test on Friday after Thanksgiving, but completely forgot about it. It is now scheduled for Monday. I have the worst of the tests next Friday the 10th. It is the biopsy from this test that will determine the nature of my future treatment. I am hoping for good results, but my hoping is kind of like wishful thinking. But who knows, maybe I’ll be surprised.

Mike is leaving the country tomorrow. That sounds exciting doesn’t it? He will be traveling to France for his job and will be gone for almost a week. The only good thing about it is that he will be able to visit with his sister, Debbie, for a short time while he is there. I am pouting a little bit. We have been waiting for years for Michelin to send him overseas (so I could tag along), and wouldn’t you know it? The opportunity comes when I can’t go. Can’t you just see my bottom lip sticking out? I’ll try to get over it. There are worse things in life that could happen, you know.

Speaking of that, I want to tell you about a wonderful young wife and mother at our church lost her husband the day after Thanksgiving in a car accident. The three of them were all in the car traveling to her sister’s house when the car flipped several times and ended up in the median upside down. Her husband died instantly and I’m sure she feels as though part of her died that day as well. What a tragedy. Unfortunately, no one is immune to tragedy. When something like this happens, it puts my situation into perspective for me. No longer do I feel that my problems are very big. I have heard people say that same thing to me and I have thought about it and wondered what Jesus’ perspective would be. This subject came up again in my Bible study the other day. I was reading in Luke chapter 8 when Jesus was on his way to Jairus’ house to heal his daughter who was dying when he was stopped by a woman who had been bleeding for 12 years. One problem was life and death; one was a chronic illness…so which one was more important? Which one do you think should get Jesus’ attention? I don’t think that is a question Jesus contemplates. We do, but he doesn’t. Look at verse 47 and 48, “Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.” She could not go unnoticed by Jesus. That’s the point. No one can go unnoticed by Jesus; and as I learned in my study, this is especially true of a person who approaches Jesus in faith. That doesn’t mean we will all be healed, but it does mean that Jesus knows what we are going through (we are noticed) and he is with us and gives us the strength to get through any circumstance we encounter. The question is, “Do we approach him in faith or hide our faces from him in times of trial?”

I will close with part of an email I received from my dear friend in Texas. I want to share this because this is true of anyone who is suffering or going through a trial and trying to let Jesus shine through. Be encouraged, God isn’t through with us yet. He writes, first speaking of my doctors: “I am already praying for the person or persons that God is going to minister to through him because of what he learned from you. I thank God that because of you your doctor gets to study under the Great Physician. I know that it is difficult to sow this seed. Remember that you serve the God of the harvest. He will bless your sacrifices and suffering and use them to make you over into the image of His Son, Jesus, through whom you are saved and by whose blood you are healed. Remember that God is faithful. I do not say that just because you have seen Him work in your life. I do not say that just because His faithfulness is demonstrated for us in the lives of the prophets. I do not say He is faithful because of what He has promised to do in our lives. I declare that God is faithful simply because He is God. God Almighty cannot be false. He will be faithful always for He is God. God is worthy of your trust for He is Faithful.”

Kris

Update: Saturday, November 20, 2004

Well they certainly aren’t wasting any time. My oncologist called me yesterday afternoon with the schedule for testing. I have appointments everyday next week except Thursday. At Wednesday’s appointment, I will be setting up another day of testing for the following week. Thankfully there is a holiday next week so I can have a day off. I will be going all over Lexington and Columbia seeing an eye doctor, GI doctor, having blood drawn, a physical exam, and a pulmonary test. Somewhere in there I have to get school taught, Matt to an audition on Monday, the kids to Excelsior and bake a little for Thanksgiving dinner. Maybe now you can understand why I was hesitant to say anything; I feel a bit like an over extended lab rat.

Even with all these things going on, I can’t help but stop and think about all my blessings, especially at this time of year. I am thankful for God’s mercy, my loving husband, my energetic children, my family, my friends, my church family, and my health. I am thankful to be alive and to have another day to proclaim God’s glory.

Kris

Update: Friday, November 19, 2004

Good morning. My morning began much like every other morning; Kaylee coming in my room, waking me up explaining how it’s morning and so it’s time to get up. I have finally convinced her that morning doesn’t begin until the clock says 7:00, no matter how much light is coming through her window. I should have gone for 8:00, but I knew that would never fly.

I have been dealing with daily and sometimes severe GI tract GVHD. I have not wanted to talk to the doctors about it, hoping it would just go away on its own. I know that was wishful thinking, but I knew some of the tests that they might want to do, and lets just say I wouldn’t be such a willing participant. My nutrition is really suffering though, so Mike put his foot down and I called Seattle. After the doctors there discussed my case, they contacted my Oncologist and set up a series of tests that will be preformed over the next several weeks (oh, joy). I hope there is some way of dealing with these issues without going back on a high dose of systemic steroids. I don’t like the way they make me feel (no sleep, jittery, etc.) and I don’t like the way they make me look. My face still hasn’t recovered from the last time I was on them. Please pray that the doctors will find the root problem, know the best way to treat it, and that I will have peace with their decisions.

I want to thank all of those who regularly keep me held up in prayer. You are blessing from God. Thank you for the emails of encouragement as well. When I log on to my computer, it is always with anticipation that I check my emails. Just knowing that I’m thought about brings such joy, especially when my contact with people is so limited. Thank you for all the ways you show you care. May you feel the blessings God is pouring out on you today. Look for them!

Kris

Update: Friday, November 5, 2004

God has blessed me with the opportunity to examine my faith with two different people this week. One person asked me, “What motivates you? Don’t you ever just feel like cashing it all in?” Sure, I have felt like giving up several times, but there is more to life than my “feelings.” I had been thinking about what motivates me and where the faith comes from that holds me in troubled times for a while now. I guess I’ll share a little.

I believe that faith is a decision, not a feeling; kind of like love. When I came to believe in Jesus I decided to trust him and to believe what he says; I decided to have faith in him. I think my faith grows each time I take him at his word and watch the results of seeing how faithful and trustworthy he is.

Here’s something to think about; our circumstances are not everything…but Jesus is. Stay with me for a minute. When we go through hard times we get discouraged, weary, tired of the struggle, sad and downhearted. Sometimes we feel like giving up the fight and that life isn’t worth “all of this.” Those feelings are caused by our circumstances which change constantly. Our faith should be based on the things of God that do not change, no matter what our circumstances are. What do I mean? Simply this; I am a child of God, I have been forgiven, I am loved with a never dying love, I stand justified before the Lord and these things will never change. Listen to Ephesians 2:4-7; “But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.” So how does this help when we are in the middle of a terrible trial? Here is how it helped me. When I was struggling physically I began feeling depressed and alone. I did not “feel” God’s presence, so in my mind I began to think he wasn’t there. Now, I had to ask myself if that was true? Did my feelings erase the verse above where it says I am raised up and seated with Christ in the heavenly realms? No, of course not; but oh, how strong our feelings can be. They can plant such doubts into our hearts. It was important to me to go back to my core beliefs. Do I believe what Jesus says? He said that he would never leave me or forsake me, do I believe him? Yes, I do. So, I began looking at his promises and claiming them, accepting them as truth. (God’s spirit is living in me, Romans 8:11; the Spirit will help in my weakness, Rom. 8: 26; God did not spare his Son so will help me, Rom. 8:32; God loves me, John 3:16; He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion, Phil. 1:6; if I ask, God will grant my heart peace, Phil. 4:7; and so many more!) What a difference this has made in my life. My faith will stand because I know the truth. If I begin to waver, I can look to the anchor that holds me, which is Christ Jesus, and with him I will be able to stand up in any storm…and so can you. God bless you.

My next doctor’s appointment is this Monday. I am feeling alright, just extremely fatigued, which is completely normal and expected.

Kris

Update: Thursday, October 21, 2004

Just a quick update to say that my liver ultrasound is fine and my liver enzymes have lowered a little. The hepatitis test won’t come back for a few days, but there really isn’t any concern now. Praise God for this positive bit of news. I continue to be thankful for all of my prayer warriors.

Kris

Update: Tuesday, October 19, 2004

I couldn’t remember the last time I updated and I thought, that’s either a really bad chemo moment or it has been too long. My headaches are almost completely gone thanks to God’s mercy and the help of my massage therapist. Once the headaches were gone, an upset stomach took its place. I wasn’t able to eat or drink much and I began to feel quite weak. I think it is the medicine I take on Monday’s and Tuesday’s, as it is Tuesday and I’m feeling that way again.

I want to start with a huge praise item. I talked with Seattle about some of my final test results. The test I was really interested in was the PCR test. It is the most sensitive test that exists to detect CML in my body. At day 80, most people are sent home with a “positive” reading that eventually turns “negative” if the bone marrow was successful. I just praised God as she read the results to me…negative! So now, if I can just live through the transplant side effects, I have a fantastic chance of being cancer free.

Last week was hard for me. It’s difficult to want to share, but this is my journal and I want to tell the whole story. I got really down last week, actually I was depressed. I know the cause; I took my eyes off Jesus. The results were disastrous. I struggled with everything. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I was just tired of this whole thing. I was no longer looking for comfort in God because I couldn’t feel him. I cried out to God and told him that I knew, by faith, that it was him and only him that was getting me through this and holding me up, but I could no longer feel his presence. You know what, just like Jesus did with Peter, he was right here to pull my back up to the surface. That very night I received an email that was so encouraging. It was as if Jesus was speaking to my heart. The next day I received an encouraging phone call and that afternoon I received a letter from one of my elders that again spoke to the issues of my heart. To top it off, I received a wonderful email from a dear friend that next morning. It was like God saying to me, “I’m here. Can you feel me now?” “Yes,” I said, “I do.” I truly did. I know God cares when we feel separated from him and he immediately sent in his “human hands” to care for me. I am so thankful to all of those who listened to God’s promptings and called or emailed during that time. I am back on track again, but I would appreciate prayers.

Due to symptoms I am having a few test were done last week and I am awaiting results. Also, my liver enzymes (traced by regular blood tests) have gone up the past two weeks. I am scheduled to get a blood test to check for Hepatitis and an ultrasound on Thursday morning. They are being cautious, I know, but it still makes me nervous thinking about what they could find. It is very common for transplant patients to develop liver problems and Hepatitis C, but I will cast my cares on the Lord and I know he will be with me and will surround me with his peace. What would I do without the Lord? I wouldn’t want to try!

Kris

Update: Friday, October 8, 2004

A while back I jotted the following down into a file in my computer. I have decided to put them into my journal.

The stories of passion and excitement, victory, and extraordinary miracles have always been my favorite Bible stories. The Creation, the Flood, Joseph saving Egypt from starvation, Moses leading the Israelites out of Egypt, Manna in the desert, God bringing water from a rock, the destruction of Jericho, crossing the Jordan into the Promised Land, God talking with Samuel, the battle on Mount Carmel, Elijah raising the widow’s son, David killing a giant, and a boy becoming a king. These are just some of the stories we share with our children when wanting to instill faith into their precious minds. These are the stories that come home on our children’s Sunday school papers, and that is all very well and proper. These stories lift us up, they build our faith, we learn the awesome powerful side of God, where He rushes in and saves His people, His chosen, His loved ones.

But, what about the quiet moments from God (when His voice is not heard above the commotion, when His plan isn’t clear to the people following Him) within these same stories? Adam and Eve separated by sin and sent away from the only home they had ever known, Noah’s years of obedient boat building under constant ridicule, Sarah, waiting past the point of hope to have a child, Joseph sold by his family then dumped into a prison for being righteous, Moses dragging reluctant Israelites around, who complain for forty years? What about the hunger so severe that the Israelites really didn’t know from where their next meal was coming, and then feeling so thirsty and having to look into the eyes of their children, shrug their shoulders and cry? And, what about the widow, who watched her only son laying dead, still, and cold and being helpless to do anything but weep? I can continue with most great stories of faith and see both the “quiet” or silent moments of God and then see the victory He brings that make these our favorite stories.

These quiet moments have captured my attention lately. I think they are in the Bible for a purpose. There are other stories in the Bible that are just as powerful, written down for us to learn from, that don’t end with God sweeping down at the last moment and “saving the day.” I have been thinking of one Bible character lately, one discussed in Hebrews 11. Verses one and two say this, “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it faith men of old gained approval. By faith we understand that the worlds were prepared by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things which are visible.” Now look at the beginning of the next verse. “By faith Abel offered to God a better sacrifice than Cain, through which he obtained the testimony that he was righteous.” That’s not the end of Abel’s story. The Bible doesn’t say that he was righteous and lived a long successful life in his dream job. Abel didn’t have a family, nice house, or a minivan. He certainly did not have the chance to live out any of his physical dreams. Genesis 4:8 says, “Cain told Abel about it. And it came about when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother and killed him.” Let’s put this into our perspective. Abel had a good relationship with God, he had a heart to obey and serve Him. He did what he knew was right. Abel was a good man. Why wasn’t a long life on the earth serving God the best plan for his life? Just think of the example he could have been to all the people in the upcoming communities. Isn’t that exactly the way we think? If I’m following God by doing what is right, serving the people around me in His name, and being good, won’t God’s plan for my life be pleasant and filled with good things? Won’t He lead me by a pillar of cloud by day and fire at night so I always know which way to turn? Won’t He keep me in a good job so I can provide for my family the way I desire? He wouldn’t let me get really sick, would He? He certainly wouldn’t let me die before I was able to raise my children or allow one of my children to die and leave me just to weep. That wouldn’t be right, we reason out in our minds. He saved me after all, I’m one of the chosen, and I’m loved by Him. Does this sound familiar? If we haven’t heard it out loud, hasn’t it been spoken in our own minds?

So, how do we deal with Abel? He is one of the examples that we look at to see how the faithful lived and encourage one other to do the same. We just seem to stop short and ignore the reality that faithful servants of God might end up with a short life. We say that we should be like Abel in our faith, but we don’t say that after living faithfully like Abel we might very well suffer such a catastrophe. Hebrews 11 has a fascinating scripture that describes some of God’s people being miraculously saved and yet others suffering terribly, all in His name. Why the difference? Why not “happy” endings for everyone? Let’s listen to His word. Hebrews 11:29-40: “29By faith they passed through the Red Sea as though they we passing through dry land; and the Egyptians, when they attempted it, were drowned. 30By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days. 31By faith Rahab the harlot did not parish along with those who were disobedient, after she had welcomed he spies in peace. 32And what more shall I say? For time will fail me if I tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets, 33who by faith conquered kingdoms performed acts of righteousness, obtained promises, shut the mouths of lions, 34quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, from weakness were made strong, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. 35Women received back their dead by resurrection; and others were tortured, not accepting their release so that they might obtain a better resurrection; 36and others experienced mockings and scourgings, yes, also chains and imprisonment. 37They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were tempted, they were put to death with the sword; they went about in sheepskins, in goatskins, being destitute, afflicted, ill-treated 38(men of whom the world was not worthy), wandering in deserts and mountains and caves and holes in the ground. 39And all these, having gained approval through their faith did not receive what was promised, 40because God had provided something better for us, so that apart from us they would not be make perfect.”

I have always been comfortable reading and identifying with verse 29 through the first part of verse 35. Haven’t you? But what do we do with the rest of the scripture? Don’t we just rush through to the end saying, “Whew, I’m glad it’s not like that anymore!”

When I was diagnosed with Leukemia, I was basically handed by death warrant. From all available statistics, I was given a few years to live. The problem with that? I have a husband, four small children, I try to be a faithful servant of the Lord, I love Jesus, I try to live right and be an example to others. Shouldn’t I have a pleasant life? I had to wrestle with these questions of why was this happening to me. Won’t God just take it away? Does He really want me to suffer this way? What about my family if I die? It was the moment of truth for me. Would I follow God, love and glorify Him no matter what my circumstances or would I put conditions on my faith and obedience? What a painful night of tears and prayers. Before the night was over, I made a commitment and my statements of faith to God and have never turned back. Not that I didn’t have times of mourning, sadness, questions, confusion and tears; those are all normal emotions. A decision had to be made, that night, and I chose to take God at His word. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” I believe the “good” He is talking about is His eternal good, not my personal wishes and dreams nor what I think would be good for me. Notice the last line of the scripture, to those who are called according to His purpose. This is why I knew a decision had to be made. Was I going to submit my very life to be called to His purpose in my Leukemia or was I going to fight Him tooth and nail demanding that if He really loved me and was good and powerful, He would heal me.

I add this to my journal now to remind and encourage myself and maybe others. Even though I am through with one part of my journey, the journey is not over. The path, however long, is laid out in front of me and it is God who is leading. So, no matter what I am going through, no matter how badly I feel, I will “Fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.” Only He provides the strength to make it the rest of the way.

I am still having several intense headaches during the day and having trouble sleeping because of them. I continue to pray for relief.

Lamentations 3:19-24. I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.”

Kris

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